


Think

by ThisIsLightful



Series: Begrudgingly I Care [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angsty Zuko, Begrudging Caretaker Zuko, This is the AU that I go down with, caretaker zuko, guilty zuko, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 06:16:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11225049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIsLightful/pseuds/ThisIsLightful
Summary: Zuko admits something to himself, and the two new kids are nothing but trouble-He loves it.





	Think

Sometimes, amidst the cacophony of anger and confusion and determination that is his mind, Zuko admits quietly that he  _resents_ his Uncle. His loving, caring Uncle Iroh that would betray the Fire Nation in a heartbeat for him. Who put up with his temper. Who loved him - _unconditionally._ Zuko had not earned his love, did not deserve it, was not worthy, and still his Uncle smiled and said " _I love you._ " 

And he resents that.

Resents that, for all of that love, his uncle had not stood up for him in the Agni Kai. The one that changed everything.   
There was no buffer between he and his father. His mother had been, once upon a fleeting dream, but she was gone. After that, Zuko was up before the Sun and bid farewell to the Moon well into the night. He learned everything his sister would not- economics, history, tactics, swordsmanship, general affairs, court gossip- because he could not beat her in the one place it seemed to matter: Firebending. His father's disappointed gaze, his sneer, his sharp words: they were all things that no one dared refute. Not even Zuko's loving Uncle.

And it tore him apart. He was guilty. So guilty. He was disgusting and horrible and  _deserved the scar that marred his face because he was a failure and-_

Laughter tore him from his broodi-  _he was not brooding, Uncle! He was thinking!_

He had taken in two new children, making a total of three brats aboard the ship. Some of the crewmen had said  _four brats total_ , but Zuko shut them up. Cleaning duty was never pleasant, nor was changing diapers. Not that Zuko would know. Of course not. It's not like the crewmen had had to teach him or anything.

"Zuuuukkkkooooo." Kryo called. He huffed and turned around. "Help me with my bending!" He motioned for his sister, Kairos, to come and join.

Zuko knew they weren't bound by blood, not like he to his father. Kryo was a firebender- he'd obviously been abandoned. His element was  _fire_ and his name meant  _cold,_  a pretty obvious indicator of how his parents felt for him.Kairos was a waterbender; Zuko doesn't know how they found each other, but he's glad that they'd had each other before he found them, at least.

He was surprised, honestly, that he didn't have a collection of children by now. War was not kind. Typically, though, he and the crew had managed to find homes for each abandoned child. It was only these three brats that insisted on pestering him still. He would never let anyone harm them. His chest clenched at the thought of someone hurting them ( _fire in his face smoke in his lungs WHY FATHER abandonment burning_ ). No one would harm them. Zuko would make sure of it. Despite all of his downfalls, Zuko was a man of honor: he kept his word, and he was determined above all else.

Zuko frowned, because one brat was missing, "Where's Cyrtanthus?" He pushed down the well of worry gathering in his chest, he could handle this. No need to call for a search party. Not yet.

He was answered when a joyful "Zeeeee!" bounded towards him. He pretended like he was too slow to move away from the arms that wrapped around his legs- Uncle had said that it was good to "let the young ones gain victory" because it gave them a sense of self worth and accomplishment, which would ultimately lead to self fulfillment.

Maybe that's why Zuko's own was so low. Or maybe he really was just worthless.

"Zuko!" the boy stomped his foot as he whined, and Zuko wondered if he was ever like that. Maybe with his mother, but he was sure that he would have been punished severely by anyone else.

And his Uncle would have stood by and watched, with those sad, guilty eyes.

Gold is the color of ghosts, Zuko had found, because they were the color that haunted him when he closed his eyes.

"Fine, fine. Alright. This is one all of you can do, it's more about feeling than anything else." And Zuko went through the basics with them. 

He watched the children as he taught them.

Kairos was concentrating, bright blue eyes narrowed. Her dark skin contrasted with the paleness of her brother's. Her brown hair was a curly mess, and it was tied up in a ponytail. Zuko wondered if there were traditional watertribe hairstyles that she could wear. He'd look into that later. Despite the supposed tameness of water, she had a warrior's heart. She wanted to fight, she had said to him. She was going to beat the Fire Nation, she'd spat. You're a child, Zuko had reasoned. And it doesn't matter what you're _going_ to do, because you can't do it yet. He'd given her his hand, and she'd called for her brother, who had been reading at the time. And they had become part of Zuko's family. They had become Zuko's world. They had been angry and alone and hopeless, but the two nine year olds were now full of hope. Hope was all Zuko clung to, empty wishes all he could hold. Hope was the reason Zuko got up in the morning, the reason that he took these children in. He was glad that they could hope again, for hope was Zuko's only comfort.

Kryo was pale and covered in sweat, but he was grinning and his amber eyes were glittering with mischief. Zuko wondered if he, too, had been born without the spark. The spark that indicated whether or not a child could firebend. The spark that might have made his father love him. The spark that might have made Zuko strong. But Kryo wasn't concerned with strength as Zuko was, but with precision. Kryo wanted to be a Healer. _I'm going to take the hurts of the world away! I'll show everyone the love they need and make them better. I'll heal the sickness in the world, just you wait!_ he'd proclaimed at the tender age of seven. Zuko had been like that, too: he thought that he would be the strongest, that he would be the best. He was wrong. Kryo learned about cauterizing wounds and monitoring body temperature. Zuko and Uncle had purchased a book on healing techniques, specifically ones that firebenders could employ: they were going to teach him. Zuko wanted the boy to be happy. Wanted him to learn whatever he wanted to learn. Wanted the boy to feel comfortable in his own skin.

Zuko sometimes wished that he could climb out of his own.

Cyrtanthus struggled with the movements, her chubby and unbalanced body not quite suitable for finesse. Her green eyes were wide with wonder, and her laughter was bright and bubbly, so contrary to her element which was solid and hard. She wasn't speaking much yet, and Zuko was already planning on finding another Healer. Cyrtanthus was about 4, give or take a year, and she should have been talking Zuko's ear off, according to Uncle and the other crewmembers. The other two children didn't speak of her arm, which no healer had been able to fix, or of how part of her face seemed to droop. They didn't mention her scars. They accepted her, and played with her, and tried their best to keep in mind that she was a toddler and not their own age. Zuko didn't pause in his teaching, but he pondered on when he'd become such a mother. He looked at Cyrtanthus, who was constantly given dirty looks by people outside of the crew, and he knew when he'd become so protective and fond: it was when he had first held her, it was when he had first beat up someone who had the audacity to call her a _freak_. Zuko didn't know much about parenting, but he remembered that his mom had complimented him and protected him and played with him, so that's what he did. It was all he could do.

It was odd to think about. He had an earthbender, a firebender, and a waterbender. He only needed an airbender to complete the set. Then, he could claim that he was raising the Four Nations. Unfortunately, his grandfather had seen to the end of the airbenders.

"Prince Zuko! There is something you need to see!" one of the guards shoved the telescope into his hands. Zuko glared, but obliged, ignoring the complaints of the children.

A flare was sent into the sky, a dilapidated Fire Navy ship its source. But what could...? He angled the telescope and struggled to maintain his composure. A silhouette of a person holding another, very obviously _airbending_. The last airbender was the Avatar. The Avatar! "Tell my Uncle that we've found him. We've found the Avatar."

Zuko hoped. Hoped so hard. He glanced at the children. He wanted a better life for them. They deserved a home. If he captured the Avatar, he'd become Prince again. He'd have the power to help children hurt by the war. He wouldn't be weak. He would earn his father's respect. He would earn his father's love.

He closed his eyes. He saw gold.


End file.
